responding to eugene's entry about change. totally true.
ties
wat is its definition den? it signifies relationships, bonds between two people. and no doubt it canbe built up from ground zero to a point where it sustains that level of wat we say closeness, or crumble down at one specific instant.
had a tiff with my brother last nite.okay i wouldnt call it a tiff, mayb an argument that so-called severed ties with him. he was using the computer last nite in my room as in entered to take my hp. he muttered (either to himself or to me) that i shld control my hp usage cause my hp bill was (exceedingly) high according to his respect. i muttered a 'ya' back and headed off. he sort of said 'wats ur problem, you offended me jus now you know'. i was like huh! okay, tis might sound like my fault cause i shouted back at him something like i cant tolerate him alrd and it ended in a 'fuck off' so loud tat my dad came out of his room..
i've noticed that change in my brother. ever since he started army and university. especially during the past six months. everything i do he wld either seem to show no interest and find fault with it. ya its a fact but wat can i do with tat? he would owas be against everything i do. like whn i fared badly for my common test and my parents(obviously) were unhappy with me. he came in to make matters worse. its not only that and if i would say it all it wld last till tmr. and i noticed eveyrtime he talks to me theres an element of sacarsm and rudeness, so much that you can tolerate the first time, but not the second or third.he treated me like dirt, and last nite i asked him tis qn, 'so you talk to ur frens like tis?' and he couldnt answer. i always had a feeling that he doesnt like me and i wld rule that to mayb study stress and probably give him some time, ya and last nite i proved otherwise..
last night, he was using the com whn i entered the room. he suddenly mentioned that i owed him 300 dollars for the new monitor. den i said i dint have money at tis point in time. den he said january i could pay him back. den i asked him wat if i hadnt found a job at that time. he said my angbao money. fine. and he added something in tis note, we've all grown up, nxt time matters that concern money we 1better calculate properly. ya tts wat he said to me. till late at night whn it all started. after i shouted at him (wat i have wanted to say since a long time), my dad came out to see wats happening. i got out of the way and let my dad talk to him. ya and i heard their conversation. and tis came out of his mouth.. 'i dowan to be dragged down by him next time... i find that hes too dependent on me alr', am i? i thought to myself. maybe sometimes ya, but isnt that wat a brother is supposed to do? im lost. lost with life and feeling terrible. den i locked myself in the other room, i couldnt hear anymore..
escapism, as eugene mentioned, was i escaping? yes i did whn i hid myself in the other room but decided to myself we needed a talk. i went over to tell my dad wat i felt since wat was months ago.. buden it ended off something like 'tmr den say', den i went over to my brother, he doesnt wan to open his mouth for heavens sake. so be it i went to watch tv in the living room till i fell aslp. and i suppose, brothers still? i dono. hes the type who meant wat he said.. so i guess its over. someone who i respected and gave my highest(mayb not so high) regard to for 17 yrs of my life, its over.
i heard my dad say to him, blood is thicker than water. yea in most cases that would hold true. but for me? mayb not for me. frm today onwards i tink i might rely more on my parents that him. and after which, my frens are second in line. and sometimes my parents told me, never always give a hundred perent trust to ur frens, hmm den wat shld i do den?
den it is the case of feelings. i have feelings, everyone does. how he has been treating me since sometime ago. i can sense that. why not?in my part, i always thought of wat the other party would feel from watever i say, or watever actions i made. but i dono. it doesnt seem the case for him, or mayb its only a him-to-me thing.. if ppl tells me things will work out, will it?
den it is another case of him having the total opposite character of mine.in other words, his yes equal to my no. period and i shant elaborate more. ppl who know me well shld know.. i find that he had always tink that he is the greatest. i cant help bu feel that way, whn someone is treating you tis way. it hurts
i owas nided ppl to confide in. ppl who i could talk to. wouldnt want to bother my parents abt my problems cause they have work to do and normally slp early. him? would you? im thankful of all the ppl ard me. absolutely grateful that they exist. thank you
i haven cried in a long time... my life sucks
